I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
