I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
