Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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