I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
