u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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