I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
