I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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