FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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