my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize