So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
