1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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