im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
