I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
