It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Randomize
