I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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