why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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