i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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