I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Randomize
