I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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