Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
