I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
