i wish there were pregnant emoticons
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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