Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize