I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My brain says no but my pants say off.
even my farts smell like vagina
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
