and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
