Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize