I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
