He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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