he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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