I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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