We won't sleep together?
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
