I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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