dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
