I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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