69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
