Just fell off a train. Bad.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
She's not a foreskin expert like you
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Randomize
