so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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