Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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