My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
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