Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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