hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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