WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
