I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
