apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
