i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
