I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
