She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
what day is it and did you see me today?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
