Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
