think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
grandma shit on top of the toilet
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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