I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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