They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
