dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
