just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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