My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
