I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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