I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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