I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
