i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Randomize
