Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
