So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
