Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
