my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
