I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
