Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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