Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
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