There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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