I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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