i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
